Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
