I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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