I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
