Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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