I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
