I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
