I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
