Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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