There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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