Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize