when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
