shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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