Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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