you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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