I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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