when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
