If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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