I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
