I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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