who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
