I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
