if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
