I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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