Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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