Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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