What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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