The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
