she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
