Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
