This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
