Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
