mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
