I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
