I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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