I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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