The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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