I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize