I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
