I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
