omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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