Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
