You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
