I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
