Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
