Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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