i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Randomize