I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
