Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
