I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
