no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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