It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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