it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
