Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
