I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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