that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
