I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
In other news, I just burned my penis
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize