Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
