Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
