I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
