i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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