I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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